This isn’t along the lines of the normal blog posts I put
up, but I feel that I should....mainly because I experienced this a little more than I wanted to, I like to class myself as a motivator, as someone who inspires others to soldier on, and lately I haven't been able to motivate myself...I was the one that was in need.
I’m 100% sure that there are others out there that
don’t, or feel they can’t, for whatever reason, speak up, and I hope that by the end of this, I've helped you to take that first step…
What am I referring to?
Depression…hitting rock bottom...feeling like the world has
caved in on top of you!
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| That was me a few weeks ago and what I’m still determined to work through and beat! |
The brief rundown of it all was after separating from the kids’
father, I was dealing with multiple teenage children (2 sons, 1 daughter), and
we all know what they can get like in their teen years, hell I was one! I kept
thinking I was coping with it all great, but then things started to escalate. I
wasn’t handling the teenager’s antics and the ensuing arguments between us led
them to wanting to go their own way…..I kinda don’t blame them, only kinda
though. My daughter ended up living at her boyfriends (and having her boyfriends family assault and threaten my 17yr old and I), my youngest teenage son
went to live with his father, while my elder teenage son stayed at home and took on the attitude
that he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Income dropped, bills
started to pile up, and an added debt of $7256 from helping what I thought was
a friend, had started to fade the light at the end of the tunnel. After it had once
looked bright, it now started to fade off into the distance.
I was a proud person, I had lived independently since I was
about 15/16, and I guess the stubborn nature I seem to possess, has never
really let me ask for help if things went to shit, this time was no different.
I hid the fact that I
was not coping from everyone, including my best friend, I would go to her house
for coffee and act as if everything was peachy. (I had that act pretty down
pat). Little did she know that when I went home I used to go into my room and
sit there and cry, not knowing how to fix the predicament I had gotten myself
into. Not only had the bills begun to pile up, the rent wasn’t getting paid in
full each week. I had fought to get my home for my children and I could feel
that I was losing it all…you’d think I would ask for help hey?!
Nope, too proud, too independent…actually too stubborn with
a little bit of embarrassment thrown in with it too. I had never lost a
premises due to my own doing, I had never had the eviction paperwork staring me
in the face, but here it was….in plain black and white. Still, I did nothing, I
thought if I pretended it didn’t exist, then it wouldn’t.
My eldest teenage son
had stayed with me after his siblings left, but I knew the eviction was looming
and all I cared about was getting him into a place to live. I’d sort me out
later. I got him settled into his new place and it was when I returned home to
a completely empty house, (even my dogs, my best mates, weren’t there to greet
me anymore) that everything hit me and I ended up a crumbling mess.
I don’t remember packing the car, I don’t remember driving
300+kms and I don’t remember too much of what happened when my car finally died…what
I do remember is sitting there with the morphine in hand, ready to kiss it all goodbye.
I played out in my head what would happen if I followed through with it, and that’s
probably what saved me. I pictured my kids being told what I had done and it
broke my heart even more then I thought possible. How could I be so selfish to
even consider putting them through that?
Thankfully good friends had found me (added bonus to being
such a traveller and having friends in most Australian States) and after
spending the night talking, I made my way back home the next day to try and get
a grip on what needed to be done. I wouldn’t have been able to do that it if wasn’t
for my best friend and my 17yr old son.
It didn’t change too much coming back, I lost my house, I still
don’t have contact with my daughter, she had gotten worse and set her boyfriend’s
family out to attack me and my 17yr old, but what I gained was the ability to
deal with the situation a lot better than I had before. I had found that
speaking up and admitting that things aren’t going right, is NOT a bad thing, I
learnt that with family and friends, working through the issues at hand are a
lot easier to cope with, and not everything is as overwhelming or useless as I had
previously thought.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I don’t want anyone to feel like that is the only
option out there. There are help access lines that can be called (some I've found are located below) emergency departments that can assist
and community service programs available that can help you climb back up that
ladder.
Luckily for me, the mere thought of my
children having to deal with it, was what got me to realise “Hey shit, I need
to ask for help!” Not everyone is that strong, or has that to focus on in times
like that, sometimes the brain won’t even let us process that thought when we’re
upset, but if the signs can be recognized early enough, then help can be sought
before it gets too late and you feel that helpless, unworthy feeling.
I’m not an expert on depression, far from it, I’m still
trying to wrap my head around it all but if you feel that you aren’t coping, or
feel like everyday life is starting to get too much for you, then PLEASE, I
urge you to go and speak to someone about it. If you don’t feel confident or
comfortable talking to a doctor, start with family and friends. Be upfront with
them as they may know of other avenues that can assist you the best.
DON’T BOTTLE IT UP! SPEAK UP!!
Below is a list of major countries that I have researched
and found the best helplines. If you feel like there is no hope, start telling
yourself that there is! I thought the same until I finally reached out and
found an abundance of help.
Although it may not seem like things aren’t going to get
better, they can…. the first step is the hardest, but the following steps
become easier.
Please use the numbers below and make that first step xx
Australia
Lifeline
131 114
Lifeline Suicide Helpline
1300 651 251
Beyondblue
1300 224 636
United States
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
United Kingdom
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of
distress or despair.
116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
Support Line
New Zealand
Hamilton
0800 505 050 (operating 24/7)
Napier,
Hastings
0800 112 334 (operating 24/7)
Otago
Mental Health Crisis
(03) 474 0999
Southland Emergency Psychiatric Services
0800 46 78 46
Christchurch
0800 920 092 (operating 24/7)
Canada
Serving Chinook Health Region and
south part of Calgary
426-6 Street South, Lethbridge, AB T1J 2C9
426-6 Street South, Lethbridge, AB T1J 2C9
Crisis 24 hours:
1-888-787-2880
Crisis 24 hours:
Crisis 24 hours:
Asia
HONG KONG
CHINA
800-810-1117
北京心理危机研究与干预中心 Beijing Suicide Research and Prevention Centre
offers a 24-hour crisis hotline.
SINGAPORE Samaritans
1-800-221-4444
https://sos.org.sg/ Offers 24-hr crisis telephone support
SOUTH KOREA – Counsel24
02) 715-8600
http://www.counsel24.com/
Resource in Korean, details support given to those who are in distress.
I hope that these can be of some help to others.
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| You Are Worth It! |
You may think that you are walking alone, and the journey is
endless, I thought the same….I learnt that when I spoke I had many walking
beside me to ensure I reach the final goal….happiness.
Without them I would’ve been lost!
Til next time,
Stay Safe, Stay Smiling
-x-
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